TOP 8: Teachings of the Bible

The World by God

Oh, the Bible... the spiritual guide of millions and millions of people all around the world, specially in the western societies. Written, like, almost 2 thousand years ago, is it something we should still follow ethically this day and age? One would assume that being the word of the Lord and everything, only nice and morally good things would come from it, but that seems to be very far from the truth. Let's take a look:

8. YOU CAN HAVE A SLAVE, BUT ONLY FOR 6 YEARS
If you buy a Hebrew servant, he is to serve you for six years. But in the seventh year, he shall go free, without paying anything. Exodus 21:2 (And then you can buy a brand new young slave and forget about the aching and sick old one)

7. IF THE SLAVE IS A WOMAN YOU CAN HAVE IT FOREVER
If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as menservants do. Exodus 21:7

6. WE CAN PERSONALLY BEAT THE HELL OUT OF OUR SLAVES, IF THEY DON'T DIE
If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property. Exodus 21:20-21

5. YOU CAN KILL, OF COURSE, ANY WOMAN WHO'S NOT A VIRGIN AT THE TIME OF HER WEDDING
...if no proof of the girl's virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father's house. Deuteronomy 22:20-21 (Want to do some graceful things for Israel? Kill some Palestinians!)

4. DEATH, WITHOUT HESITATION, TO HOMOSEXUALS
If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman (very tastefully said, don't you think?), both of them have done what is detestable (more commonly refered today as "the nasty"). They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads. Leviticus 20:13 (What about gay penguins?)

3. STILL NOT ENOUGH DEATH FOR YOU? DEATH TO ALL UNCIRCUNSIZED MEN!
Any uncircumcised male, who has not been circumcised in the flesh, will be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant. Genesis 17:14 (Better being cut off from your people than from your member)

2. MORE DEATH COMING AT YOU, DEATH TO ANYONE WHO WORKS IN SATURDAY!
Observe the Sabbath, because it is holy to you. Anyone who desecrates it must be put to death; whoever does any work on that day must be cut off from his people. Exodus 31:14 (Observe Casual Fridays too)

AND THE NUMBER 1 TEACHING OF THE BIBLE...
1. DEATH TO ANYONE WHO PRACTICES ANOTHER RELIGION (OR NONE)
If a man or woman living among you in one of the towns the LORD gives you is found doing evil in the eyes of the Lord your God in violation of his covenant, and contrary to my command has worshiped other gods, bowing down to them or to the sun or the moon or the stars of the sky, and this has been brought to your attention, then you must investigate it thoroughly. If it is true and it has been proved that this detestable thing has been done in Israel, take the man or woman who has done this evil deed to your city gate and stone that person to death. Deuteronomy 17:2-5 (So, that's like 5 billion people in the world, nice)

Well, there are so many other valuable teachings in the Bible that couldn't fit in this tiny list, so I'm throwing you an extra two as a special bonus. Enjoy!

CRIPPLES CAN'T WORSHIP GOD
The Lord said to Moses, "Say to Aaron: 'For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is hunchbacked or dwarfed, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. Leviticus 21:16-23 (Sorry, no Jimmy VS. Timmy fights in heaven)

ELTON JOHN AIN'T GOING TO HEAVEN
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. Corinthians 6:9-10 (What about pedophile priests?)


Goo goo ta ta, grrrr

Maybe some Christians are wondering now, what about our Lord Jesus Christ? He's all good and nice, right? Well, judge for yourself:

JESUS DOESN'T LIKES PEACE (NOT EVEN BETWEEN FAMILY MEMBERS)
"Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division. From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law." Luke 12:51-53 (What about the family pet?)

JESUS DEFENDS THE EVILDOERS
"I tell you, Do not resist an evil person." Matthew 5:39
"If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic." Luke 6:29 (If someone rapes your wife, do not stop him from raping your daughter, I tell you)

JESUS FINALLY ENDED UP IN HELL
"...anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell." Matthew 5:22
"You blind fools!" Matthew 23:17 (Divine justice, I assume)

And this is just the tip of the iceberg, kids. You can keep finding things like these if you start reading closely your Holy Bibles. And please be careful of your local clergy man, he might give you bad advice about something (like, don't abort, bitch) or just rape you (if you're a hot young boy)!